Recently I went to a sex magic ritual in the jungle in Mexico, and it was a major turning point in my life. The story starts one year ago if you’re curious…
**This is a personal story, different from most of my other blog posts.
As of today…
I’ve been single for exactly one year, and it has been one of the best years of my life.
The nice thing about traumatic breakups is that they create huge opportunities to reflect and change course (IF a person chooses to do that work).
I thought I had done that work…
At the end of that relationship, I needed to come back to myself… And that simple fact alone should be quite telling (I lost myself in the relationship).
Enmeshment and codependency have been themes of my “relationship shadow,” and I have felt like I needed to come back to myself at the end of other relationships too.
It didn’t strike me how big of a problem (and pattern) this was until 11.5 months ago, so I decided to change.
I went to work.
Soon after my relationship ended, I noticed just how quickly my brain/heart wanted to fill that space with new romantic connections. Yes I was single and “wanted to be single,” but my eyes were still open – scanning for “the one.”
But that “openness” was coming from a place of lack…
So I committed to no relationships for 6 months, and I shared this commitment with a few close friends for accountability. Instead, I committed to a romantic relationship with myself.
(Apparently I needed at least 12 months). :p
Part of the work I’ve done this year was to actually create the things I’ve wanted to create for a long time – but didn’t because I was afraid, and because I chose to put so much energy into supporting and creating my partners’ visions.
Another MAJOR part of my work has been to intentionally cultivate and fall in love with myself. It wasn’t enough to just have occasional profound feelings of self-love… I wanted this to be part of my daily experience.
I wanted to wake up in the morning in love with myself, and go to bed in love with myself. To be in love with myself even when pain would come through. I wanted to know what this was like without being distracted by the search and “openness” for a romantic relationship.
Fundamentally, I believe that states are created by action, so I took regular, concrete action steps to create a foundation of sovereign self-love.
- Dates with myself
- taking myself out to eat
- going on solo hikes
- getting massages
- staying in instead of going to social gatherings
- treating my physical body with care and compassion
- investing in workshops that have fundamentally changed how I show up in the realms of relationship & sexuality.
One of the most impactful things for me has been the time and effort I’ve put into clarifying and living my purpose on this planet, while using the painfully pleasurable sword of discernment to cut away everything that does not support this.
In the relationship world…
Every time I felt the desire or yearning for some sort of romantic relationship, I took a deep breath and went inward… I noticed that each time this happened, it came from a place of lack. A place of being unfulfilled.
In those moments I tuned into what my system needed (thank you Steve Torma and NVC), and figured out a way to resource those needs without any romantic connection (sometimes by myself, and other times with close friends).
The most rewarding & life-changing moments happened when I shifted my lack-based desire for partnership into fuel to do something positive & uplifting for my self-relationship.
Try this thought experiment:
Imagine you are in a room full of 100 people (mostly strangers) at a tantra festival, and you and everyone else know that you’re in that room for the Sex Magic Ritual. You’re also all aware that in the next few minutes you’re going to have the opportunity to choose one person to do the ritual with.
Who will it be?
Does any anxiety come up for you? Feel any pressure?
I could tell that people were somewhat paying attention to the prep talk, but they were also scanning the room to see who they wanted to partner with.
I was doing it too…
Even with all the work I had done that year, in that moment, I still scanned the room for a partner with a lack-based mentality.
My mind thought: “look at all of these beautiful humans around you, you should find an amazing one to do this ritual with! Don’t be alone!”
But I remembered to tune in…
The partner I was scanning the room for was me.
So I chose me.
This ritual usually happens in pairs, but we had the option to do it with ourselves. When the facilitators said “go find your partner,” I sat in stillness with myself, as the rest of the room went into motion to find and settle into pairs.
As soon as I made that decision, I felt an expansive deepening in my heart, and my energy shifted from my head into my lower belly. I felt warm, full, content, expansive, full of ease, connected to everyone in the room and connected to something greater. I felt grateful beyond words.
The Sex Magic Ritual
There are many forms of sex magic.
The focus for this ritual was to combine our sexual arousal/energy with an intentional focus on what we wanted to create in this world. The idea is when you weave together two of the most powerful forces in the universe (your orgasmic energy and your focused intention), you set elements of life into motion that will support the creation of whatever you want to create.
The ritual began…
A crescendo of sexual breathing, undulating hips and moans of 100 people filled the jungle air, and I joined them as a unified chorus of pleasure-filled intention.
Rocking my hips and combining my orgasmic energy with focus on my vision for the future, I felt my vision anchor itself deep inside my being. It was as if my sexual arousal was the bridge that my intentions needed to cross from my mind into the core of every cell of my body.
Whether or not it “cast a spell” with external forces doesn’t matter…
In that ritual, I experienced embodiment of my desire in a way that I never had before, and this embodied desire has already impacted the lives of many thousands of people through youtube videos, podcasts and articles I’ve created (and in-person experiences).
If I had chosen to do the ritual with another human, I doubt the impact would have been the same. Sure it could have been amazing, and I know it was life-changing for some who did it as a duo, but in that moment I needed to do sex magic with myself.
That sex magic ritual was a turning point in my life.
I haven’t felt any lack-based yearning for a relationship since then (this happened in early November).
What I have felt is a consistent and powerful drive for creating what’s important to me in this world… and this drive has been fruitful.
So What’s Next?
For much of last year, romantic relationship felt like a distraction, even though I occasionally wanted it.
I watched people around me swirl in the chaos of relating… drama, desire, discontent, highs & lows, codependency, joy, pleasure, ownership-based control and fear, childlike play, pain, trauma and passion…
I watched new people (of all genders) show up to the dating scene in Asheville and get swarmed (by all genders).
I’ve watched other people feel down with thoughts of never finding “the one.”
And yes, I’ve contributed, and I have no place to judge. I’ve been totally caught up in the swirl of everything too.
Things feel different now though in a way they never have before.
It blows my mind how much energy we give to the beast of a thing that is romantic relationship. It’s truly remarkable how much time it takes up…
Now I’m asking:
What’s the point?
It’s a very ripe question for me when I acknowledge that I have been incredibly happy and content without a romantic partner for the majority of this past year. I’ve had almost all of my needs consistently met by close friends and community.
It has been nothing short of revolutionary. So again…
What’s the point?
The point for some is to find a mate and create children.
For others, it’s to find “the one” – a concept that becomes more delusional to me with each day that passes…
There’s also a point to the muse relationship… which comes with a generative quality that has inspired some of the greatest art of our civilization.
For some, the point is play…
There’s also the point of a mutually-uplifting long-term partnership where each person is a sovereign being. This does seem to exist, albeit quite rare. If I enter into a long term partnership, it will be from this place. I would enjoy that at some point… but I’m not going to hold my breath.
I suggest you don’t hold your breath either.
I’ve found that the quickest way to find your soulmate is to wake up in the morning, go straight to a mirror and say “I love you.”
None of this twin-flame codependent Disney bullshit.
You are your own soulmate…
Already complete. Already whole. Already beautiful. Capable of great love.
And I am mine.
It’s nice to meet you.
I share this as part of my own process, and because sometimes people tell me they are deeply impacted by what I share. The act of writing this has already been worth it, and if it helps one person in some way, it’ll be exponentially worth it.
Please let me know.