Before you get to this point with a new lover…
I suggest you have a talk.
It’s very specific kind of conversation that will make your sex hotter, more connected, safer, and more pleasureable than you might imagine.
While it might seem exhilarating to go into sex like they do in the movies (without talking about it), doing so is setting yourself up for disaster.
If you don’t talk about it, you won’t know…
- if this person wants a relationship with you, or if they just want casual sex.
- if this person practices safe sex, of if they just had unprotected sex with 5 other people in the last week.
- if they’ll expect you to call them the next day.
- if they’re on birth control.
- what they would do if they got pregnant.
You cannot safely make assumptions about these things…
If you don’t talk beforehand, you also won’t:
- know what really turns them on
- have the opportunity to share what turns you on
- know what their boundaries are
- have the opportunity to share your boundaries
Hitting a boundary in sex without talking about it first is challenging at best (very few people like a surprise finger in the butt).
It would be MUCH better to talk about boundaries beforehand so you both can stay in the safe (fun, sexy, easeful) zone.
The conversation I’ve outlined in this article will make your sex amazing (if you choose to have sex), and it will also prevent most of the painful & obnoxious fallout that can happen when you have sex with someone without good communication.
Better Sex Conversation
(The quick version…)
Before you have sex with a new person, talk about everything below. Your experience will be MUCH better.
(I go into detail on these talking points later in this article).
Part 1 Conversation Topics:
- Physical Sexual Health/Safety
- Sexual Preferences (Hetero, Bi, Pansexual etc…)
- Relationship Status (Single, Monogamous, Poly, SoloPoly etc…)
- What would having sex mean to you?
- Would anybody else be impacted?
- Female Reproductive Cycle Awareness
- Pregnancy Prevention
- Expectations & Aftercare
Part 2 Conversation Topics:
(If you go through everything in Part 1 and still want to be sexual).
- Desires: What would you like to experience?
- Fears: Anything you’re concerned about?
- Boundaries: What do you NOT want to do?
When should you have this conversation?
I recommend having this conversation while you’re on a walk, or out to eat, or anywhere that isn’t normally associated with sex.
Because bringing this topic up outside of the sexual experience allows for you to talk without the imminent pressure of being sexual.
It can be a fun way to build trust and connection, and it can create anticipation for later!
How to Initiate This Conversation
You could easily say this:
“Hey, I learned this awesome format of a conversation that’s good to have with a person I might be interested to see if we’re on the same page. Would you be down to try it?”
The more confident and excited you are about this conversation when you present it, the more fun will be… and you’ll either feel much more excited about sex with this person, or you’ll realize you don’t actually want to be sexual with them after all.
Both outcomes are a win!
I’ve outlined the questions & talking points below. You can either go back and forth with each question, or you can go through the whole list and then switch. Both ways work. Under each question I’ve given some ideas about what you could say and how to talk about it.
READ EVERYTHING! I promise it will be worth your time.
That way, when you get to sex, you won’t have to think at all…
The Better Sex Conversation Part One
1 – PHYSICAL HEALTH
What is your sexual health status?
- “The last time I was tested for STIs was _______”
- “I was tested for __________”
- “My results were __________”
Since then, what sexual acts have you engaged in, and with how many people?
- “I’ve had oral sex with one woman, but we didn’t have penetrative sex, nor did we touch genitals.”
- “I haven’t had any sexual experiences since the last time I was tested.”
- “I’ve had sex with three people since then, and I used condoms every time.”
2 – SEXUAL PREFERENCES
What are your sexual preferences?
- Straight? Bisexual? Pansexual? Gay? Bi-curious? Heteroflexible?
How do you identify, and what are your pronouns?
- “I identify as a man, and I use he/him pronouns.”
- “I identify as a woman, and I use she/her pronouns.”
- “I use they/them pronouns.”
These are important pieces of info to know just so you can understand your potential partner better, and so they can understand you better too. Understanding creates safety and connection, and those two things are the foundation for a great sexual experience.
3 – RELATIONSHIP STATUS
What is your relationship status?
- Single? Open? Polyamorous?
- If open or poly, what are your relationship agreements?
- Single? Open? Polyamorous?
What are your relationship preferences?
- If single, what would your ideal relationship look like?
This is important because if you’re poly and you’re considering having sex with someone, it would be really useful to know up front if this person only wants to be in monogamous relationships. Again… you can’t assume these things.
What would it mean to you if we had sex?
- Would it mean that you want to be in a relationship with me?
- Would it mean that you’re sexually celebrating our bodies without any commitments?
- Maybe you’re not clear on what it would mean to you (warning sign).
Is there anybody who would be impacted by us connecting sexually?
- Recent ex-partner
- Another lover
- Primary partner
How would they be impacted?
Is it worth it?
6. Women’s Cycles
Where are you on your moon cycle?
- Are you ovulating?
- Are you about to bleed?
- Did you just finish your period?
7. PREGNANCY PREVENTION
What do you use for pregnancy prevention?
- Birth control? (Pill, patch, IUD, injection etc…)
- Fertility Awareness Method?
- Pull out method?
- Ejaculatory choice?
What would you do if you got pregnant?
What would you want me to do if I got pregnant?
8. AFTERCARE & EXPECTATIONS
After we have sex (if we have sex), what would feel good to you/me?
- Cuddling and staying close?
- Would you like me to sleep over? Would I like you to sleep over?
How/when should we communicate in the days after we have sex?
- Send a text the next day?
- Have a phone call in the next two days?
Come to some sort of agreement here on how you’ll communicate over the next few days. That way there’s no ambiguity or guesswork involved.
9. CURRENT FEELINGS
After hearing all of this, are you feeling interested in the possibility of sexually connecting with me?
Any answer here is a win.
If you’ve made it this far and one of you realizes that you actually don’t want to have sex, congratulations. That is some valuable information to have. This conversation has kept me safe from two situations that felt hot initially, but would have royally crashed and burned because of unspoken expectations & desires.
If both of you are a yes to sex, then you get to move on to the super juicy part of the conversation below!
The Better Sex Conversation Part Two (Desires, Fears & Boundaries)
(The second part of this conversation can be fun to have every time you’re about to have sex.)
What are your desires for when we do have sex?
- What types of touch and play would you like to explore?
- What sorts of things do you like during sex?
This is your opportunity to own what you really want. Do you want to go down on them? Do you want them to go down on you? Do you want them to bite your neck while you made love? Do you want to lick their ass? Do you want them to finger yours?
It’s okay to want whatever you want in sex.
If you want to lick their ass, ask them. It can be absurdly hot.
You won’t know if you don’t ask… so push yourself and go for it.
What fears do you have around connecting with me sexually?
It’s smart to talk about fears too, just so they’re “in play.” If you’re afraid that having sex with this person will impact your friendship, say so. Then you can have a conversation about how to protect your friendship.
What sexual boundaries do you have for our time together?
- Touching anally?
- Ejaculating inside of me
Lots of people get to this stage and think that they don’t have any boundaries… but they really do. It’s really smart to state some boundaries here. Remember that boundaries create safety, and safety creates connection, ease and erotically charged goodness.
I also recommend that you come up with a safe word that will bring a pause to any moment in your sexual experience. I like using the term “safe word,” because when else are you going to say it? Say this if you encounter anything during sex that is a boundary that you didn’t realize was a boundary beforehand.
THE MAIN POINT:
Talk about sex before you have sex!
Please share this with anyone who you think would benefit!
Thanks for being here, and thanks for caring about your sex life!