My first Tantric orgasm happened when I least expected it.
I remember my girlfriend and I laying in bed, fighting…
Honestly it was more that I wasn’t happy about something she shared with me. We were still relatively new in our relationship, and we did the thing that some new couples dread… we shared with each other the list of people we had slept with in the past.
I was in a relatively small social circle at the time, and she had slept with a number of the men I was close to. By slept I mean penis in vagina. Fucking.
I froze in a combination of anger and sadness… and had a story that somehow she was tainted… dirty… That somehow I was less of a man because she slept with my friends. I had an old paradigm of ownership running in me that didn’t work well for receiving that kind of information.
She was not the first person I had sex with, but somehow I wasn’t tainted or dirty… she was.
“How could you have possibly slept with those people!?!”
I was pissed, and my body was teemed with discomfort as if it was filled with little electric eels. We were no longer connected. Sex with her at that moment wasn’t even close to being on the table.
We stayed in that space for a while… in bed… Gridlocked in a combination of her wanting to connect with me, and me being completely frozen. Talking didn’t help.
I wanted to be close with her, but my anger kept us apart.
I have since learned that anger rarely exists in isolation. What I mean by that is that sadness and/or pain usually exists under anger. Eventually, as I looked into my girlfriends eyes in that frozen state with anger and disgust, my sadness and pain came through.
I wanted to be close with her, but my pain kept us apart.
I cried. Not because I had “missed” my opportunity to “get her” before my friends did, but because of my pain. It hurt, and she held me. Mind you, this was at a point in my life where crying with a partner was about as desirable as eating a sea urchin.
I did it anyway, I let go of all the things I thought I “should” be – of all the ways I thought I “should” act, and I was just my raw, authentic, vulnerable self.
I was naked, but in a much deeper way than simply having no clothes on…
In this place of raw authentic connection, we kissed each other, and it felt amazing. Not in a sexually arousing way, but in an enlivening connective way. With tears in my eyes we kissed and held each other close.
It felt so incredible to connect physically from this deep place of vulnerability… like I had discovered a new layer of existence that I never knew was possible (I didn’t have any good examples of vulnerable men growing up).
It didn’t take long for our kisses to shift from light and loving to the heavier and passionate kisses of lovemaking. It was sexy, but not in the way of “oh I want to fuck you.” Sexy in the way of “I want to feel every part of you.”
While we kissed and while our bodies moved together, I still had that feeling of crying with me. I wasn’t actively crying, but I had that physical feeling that I might cry at any second – WITHOUT the tension that usually comes from a fear of crying.
Now for a meta moment…
Usually when we made love I would start out in my head – worrying about being able to last long enough for her to have an orgasm. I self-diagnosed as having premature ejaculation. Sometimes this would make me not even want to have sex and/or create reasons not to.
Back to the bedroom…
Our bodies danced together, and our breathing seemed to naturally synchronize in long, unintentionally intentional breaths. The kind of breath you breathe if you have just gotten to a mountain peak, or to a beautiful tropical beach for the first time in your entire life.
I felt electrified, completely vulnerable, out of my head, and completely turned on.
When I entered her I felt subtle lightning bolts of energy shoot up through my body – from my cock to my fingertips… it was a foreshadowing of what was to come.
We made love for hours. I had zero concern of ejaculating – I was able to last as long as I wanted in bed without having to even think about it.
It was fucking incredible. I had never experienced anything like it. Every movement I made felt better than cumming. If my typical orgasm was a 10 on a scale of 1-10, this was a 95, for hours instead of just 8 seconds. Literally every touch of her body to mine, every undulation of her hips, every brush of her hair, it all felt worlds beyond any orgasm I’ve ever had. It felt psychedelic.
This was my first “Tantric orgasm.” (I recognize that this term means different things to different people, and I have varying opinions on the term itself).
We made love in this space from midnight until it started to get light outside. Literally.
At a certain point once it started to get light I realized that I had to pee. We stopped making love and I journeyed to the bathroom in a trance of sex-induced psychedelia. I had to sit down to pee because there was so much intensity flowing through me (and because it’s really hard to pee while standing up with a hard cock).
The walls of my bathroom breathed – as if I were on mushrooms. I saw energetic static and sparkles in EVERYTHING – including my toilet. It was nuts… I felt like I was tripping hardcore.
Somehow the thought entered my mind “I should cum now! I bet cumming would be fucking incredible in a state like this.” After 6(ish) hours of sex, I finally had my first thought about ejaculating. With that thought in mind, I went back into the bedroom and we began to make love again. This time though, we only made love for a bout a minute before I came to the point of no return. I was excited to experience what an ejaculation would feel like in that state. As soon as I started cumming though, something else happened.
Much to my surprise, ejaculating actually dropped my pleasure!
As soon as I started to come, I IMMEDIATELY felt my overall pleasure drop from a 90 to a 10. That’s a substantial drop! It was as if cumming opened a door for all of that amazing pleasure and energy to leave my body…
Don’t get me wrong, cumming wasn’t a painful experience… It’s just that pleasure at a 90 on a scale of 1-10 is waaaaaaaay more awesome than a 10 on that scale.
Then after I came, I noticed my desire for closeness and connection dropped. Instead of feeling energized and inspired, I felt satiated and actually a little bit drained. I felt hungry, and wanted to go to sleep. Sleep followed shortly thereafter.
At this point in my life I had read a number of books about sacred sexuality, and I had practiced some ejaculation control techniques, but I was nowhere near what I would call “practiced” with these techniques. I was physically healthy, I meditated occasionally and had a semi-regular yoga practice (went to a class once, sometimes twice a week).
I didn’t try to have a tantric orgasm, nor was I equipped with the skills to be able to do so.
The meditation and yoga was helpful though, because it brought me to that place of deeper presence that allowed me to actually be vulnerable.
Vulnerability was my key. I’ve played this scenario over and over in my mind, and the turning point that sticks out to me every time is the moment when I let my vulnerability and pain come through.
I don’t want to sit here and say that you need to have a painful experience right before sex to have a tantric orgasm, I now know from firsthand experience that’s not true… I am here to say that being vulnerable and present will get you there far faster than most “sexual techniques” out there… Then again, there are techniques to practice being vulnerable and present.
I also want to highlight the term Tantric Orgasm. It means different things to many different people. To be totally honest, the word Tantra as it’s used commonly today has practically nothing to do with original Tantra.
I used the term Tantric Orgasm here because that’s what I thought my experience was at the time – I had no other labels for it.
If this has been helpful or interesting to you, please let me know. I’d love to hear from you!