In this episode…
What are the most common causes of premature ejaculation?
How to cure premature ejaculation naturally
Evolutionary reasons most men struggle with premature ejaculation
How porn, stress, fear of intimacy, shallow breathing and more can all contribute to premature ejaculation
How to last longer in bed (with concrete strategies)
You Can Overcome Premature Ejaculation
I used to struggle with premature ejaculation – intensely – to the point where I would even avoid women I was attracted to because I was afraid of the possibility of eventually having sex with them and cumming too soon… Because that’s what happened. I was that guy. I used to ejaculate in 30 seconds on the regular… and it destroyed my confidence and identity as a man.
It is 100% possible for you to overcome premature ejaculation and have the sex life you want (and I’m happy to be on the other side of this journey to be able to say that). In this practical sex episode we’ll explore 13 of the most common causes of premature ejaculation, plus some awesome techniques and lifestyle changes to start improving your sex life today and cure premature ejaculation naturally.
Evolutionary Causes of Premature Ejaculation
Just to normalize things up front, in terms of being a strong biological creature, ejaculating prematurely is advantageous to our survival. Tens of thousands of years ago, it wouldn’t be beneficial for us to need 20 minutes of sex to ejaculate. When we were in survival mode, we needed to ejaculate as quickly as possible so we could move on to the next order of survival business as quickly as possible. Humans who could ejaculate quickly were more likely to reproduce and perpetuate the species… so this was a strength, and hilariously, we all come from a long line of ancestors who ejaculated prematurely.
In today’s society, we’re not in survival mode any more (at least this is true for you if you’re reading this post or listening to this podcast). Today there are a LOT more reasons to have sex than to just procreate and perpetuate the species.
We can explore the beauty of lovemaking, the beauty of romantic relationship, and the incredible states of connection, depth, vulnerability, pleasure and ecstasy that are possible with sex when we’re not focuse primarily on procreation. We can even experience extended states of non-ejaculatory orgasm (check out The First Time I had a Tantric Orgasm episode).
The good news is that even though it’s biologically advantageous to ejaculate quickly…
We All Have the Potential to be Epic Lovers
That means YOU. Underneath the conditioning of society, underneath the impact of porn and masturbation habits, underneath whatever you have experienced that’s holding you back is the magnificent, epic lover that you are. You’re not damned to a lifestyle of premature ejaculation, but if you don’t work on your beliefs, habits and behaviors around sex, this problem will continue.
And it’s important to have compassion for yourself and your journey.
If you’ve personally experienced premature ejaculation, know that you’re not alone. Please know that I understand the frustration… And if this is something you regularly experience, you might feel hopeless, you might lack sexual confidence, and you might not even believe you’ll ever be able to have sex for longer than 3 minutes. I’m here to say that it IS possible. I’ve helped thousands of men go from only lasting 30 seconds to well over 20 minutes, and you can do it too. Check out my Free Ejaculation Control Guide, or take the deep dive and change your entire life with the Orgasmic Mastery Course.
Either way, this will take consistent effort over time, but it’s 100% possible, and your life is worth it. For now, let’s start by creating a deeper understanding of what causes premature ejaculation.
13 Common Causes of Premature Ejaculation
Take a look through these and see if any of them apply to your life. Know that in the episode I go much deeper into each of these causes, you can simply use the outline below as a quick guide to understanding premature ejaculation. (Also, you’ll see time stamps next to each header: go to those times in the podcast to explore each cause more deeply).
1. Poor Masturbation Habits
Masturbation is a training grounds for sex, meaning that the way you masturbate has a HUGE impact on how your body is able to have sex with another human. If you regularly masturbate to ejaculation in 2 minutes or less, you’re training your body and sexual response system to go from zero-arousal to ejaculation in 2 minutes. That “training” will stay with you when you have sex with another person… Your body will be used to ejaculating quickly, so that’s what it’ll want to do.
Also, when most guys masturbate, we just sit or lay still, moving our hand up and down really fast. How do you think this translates to sex? (Listen to the episode). If you really want to cure premature ejaculation, you should stop masturbating for any amount of time that’s less than 20 minutes. In addition, you should also make a practice three times per week of masturbating for at least 20 minutes at a time before ejaculation, while breathing deeply and moving your entire body. Again, listen to the episode to go more in-depth.
2. Unhealthy Porn Habits
Does porn cause premature ejaculation? Sort of… Porn isn’t inherently good or bad, but watching it regularly can have a MASSIVELY negative impact on our sexual response systems. It’s dangerous. Think of porn like a drug. Porn focuses on high-stimulation imagery that’s constantly changing, it focuses on parts of humans fucking instead of real sexual connection, and it all centers around the cumshot.
Focusing on the cumshot can create powerful subconscious beliefs that ejaculation IS pleasure, and that it’s the entire point of sex. This subconscious belief is almost sub-subconscious, living in your body… to the point that when you’re having sex with another human, your body rushes to the point of ejaculation because it has learned that ejaculation is the point and goal.
3. Too Much Focus on Ejaculation…
If you go into sex looking forward to the ejaculatory orgasm, and seeing that as the point (even subconsciously), then that’s going to pull you towards ejaculation. Amazing sexual pleasure is available throughout the entire arousal cycle, we’ve just oriented ourselves towards ejaculation AS pleasure. If you want to eventually learn how to have non-ejaculatory orgasms, you need to learn to full experience sexual pleasure without thinking about or going towards ejaculatory orgasm at all.
4. Hyperfocus on Sensations in Your Penis During Sex
If you’re paying too much attention to the sensations in you genitals, that sensation will grow and become pressurized, and that pressure will push you towards ejaculatory orgasm. You need to practice experiencing sexual pleasure in your ENTIRE body. When you focus on the pleasure you’re feeling in your entire body, while also focusing on the connection with your partner, you are much less likely to experience premature ejaculation.
This is true for masturbation too. When masturbating (because masturbation is a training grounds for sex), we need to focus on feeling pleasure in our entire body, and not just focus on the sensations in our penis.
5. Too Many Kegels Can Cause Premature Ejaculation
Kegel exercises are all over the internet right now as “THE” cure for premature ejaculation. And some amount of Kegels is very helpful! The problem is that guys take this to extreme, and practice Kegels all the time, and then put their pelvic floor into a state of constant tension. Tension cause premature ejaculation, and relaxation opens the body to extended lovemaking. It’s about as simple as that.
6. Too Much Tension in Your Body
Tension leads to premature ejaculation in the pelvic floor, and in your entire body too. Reduce your stress, breathe deeply, and try to enjoy sex (and masturbation) in a relaxed way. The more relaxed you are, the easier everything will be.
And give yourself this reality check: even if you live a mostly stress-free life, is your body healthy, flexible and thriving? If not, it’ll be really challenging for sexual pleasure to spread throughout our entire body.
7. Too Much Stress in Life in General
If you’re super stressed out in your life, then your body will constantly be on the lookout for a release of tension. Ejaculation is one of your body’s most easily accessible strategies to relieve tension. In sex, if you’re stressed, your body might go towards ejaculation very rapidly just to get the release and ease that can come from an ejaculatory orgasm
8. Performance Anxiety
If you’re worried about premature ejaculation while you make love, you’re going to push yourself towards it. Try to relax your mind, and take some pressure off. If you need to pause during penetrative sex, or switch to some other kind of sexual activity so you don’t ejaculate quickly, that is okay. And it’s not the end of the world if you ejaculate more quickly than you would like. What’s much worse is getting into a shame spiral around it. If you do ejaculate too quickly, make a point to stay connected with your partner and give yourself compassion. This is a journey.
9. You’re not Breathing Deeply Enough
Have you ever noticed what happens to your breath right before you ejaculate? It speeds up and becomes much more shallow. If you can start a deep breathing practice at the very beginning of lovemaking, this will be incredibly helpful in prolonging your lovemaking session. An active deep breathing practice during lovemaking helps open your system up to sexual pleasure flowing through your ENTIRE body. Breath is one of the most underappreciated techniques out there.
10. You’re Thrusting Too Quickly
Porn would have us believe that our partners want us to pound away… that our partners want us to jackhammer… but this isn’t true for most people. It’s especially NOT true in the beginning of sex, so start slow. Jackhammering usually leads to premature ejaculation or numbing out.
Also, you don’t have to thrust all the way in and out for sex to be pleasurable for your partner either. You can find different angles and positions where the primary motion is the undulation of your hips together like ocean waves, and this can be incredibly pleasurable for you and your partner (without sending you over the edge towards ejaculation).
11. You Need to Develop Mental Resolve
Make a commitment to yourself to focus on connection and pleasure in sex. Make a commitment to yourself to not go towards the ejaculatory impulse. DECIDE that this is what you are going to do, and don’t underestimate the power of your mind in your effort to heal premature ejaculation.
Most of the incredible sexual experiences I’ve had have happened after my body got the impulse to ejaculate, and I made the conscious decision not to. I made the conscious decision to prioritize connection, presence and full body pleasure with my partner. Don’t underestimate the power of your mind in your effort to prevent premature ejaculation. Your mind is powerful. I like to call this cognitive ejaculation control.
12. You Have a Fear of Deep Intimacy
Ejaculating is a quick & easy way out of deeper sexual intimacy. Deep intimacy is something lots of us men have trouble with. Being vulnerable can be challenging – even scary – and a nice way to avoid the vulnerability that can come with deep lovemaking is to simply ejaculate. Boom. Nice peak of pleasure, and then the “problem” of vulnerability is gone.
Another way to say this is after you pass through the “hottness” phase of sex (which is where most men ejaculate), then comes the phase of deep sexual pleasure, which involves vulnerability and truly being seen. If it’s scary for you to open your heart, now is the time to do some work around this. I HIGHLY recommend taking some course or reading a book on a topic like Non-Violent Communication.
13. You’re in the Wrong Relationship
This one can be confronting. Are you being honest with yourself about the relationship that you’re in? Do you want to stay in that relationship? Maybe you’re not happy..? Maybe you’d rather be single..? Maybe you’d rather be with someone else..?
Ejaculation can be an escape mechanism here. Instead of being honest with yourself and your partner, and instead of doing the work it takes to dissolve your relationship, you’d rather have the quick sexual release of tension, and then avoid the deeper underlying truth.
If this is you, know that you’re not alone. I’ve done this too, and so have lots of guys. Be honest with yourself, and give yourself compassion. Also, TALK TO SOMEONE about this. Don’t let it stay inside. When we push things down and aren’t honest with ourselves, that’s when things fester, and these things pop up and become major problems for us in the most inopportune times.
What to do Next?
After listening to this podcast, I recommend either going through my Free Ejaculation Control Guide, and/or taking the deep dive and going through the Orgasmic Mastery Course. It will change your entire sex life, for the rest of your life.
You can also reach out to me with any thoughts or questions. If this podcast episode helped you in any way, please shoot me a message to let me know how. I’d love to hear from you. And, if you have any requests for future episode topics, let me know about those too.
Thank you friend! I hope you have an amazing rest of your day.
“Pink Dolphins” (Numatic Remix)
Written by: Tony Moss/Sunny Solwind/Shireen Jarrahian/David Brown
Remixed by: Numatic
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