I remember a painful moment about 5 years ago…
One of those pivotal life moments where you realize that something isn’t right, but you’re not sure how to make it better…
*(FYI – This is a long, personal story).
It was a winter night. Cold and dark outside…
But it was warm inside from the woodstove fire, and my girlfriend and I had just finished cleaning up from dinner.
Walking into the bedroom, we started to kiss… embracing each other in the way lovers do when you both know what’s coming next.
She pulled me close, and I grabbed her hips and backside, meeting her desire. As we kissed, I noticed how her knees quivered just a little when we pushed harder into each other.
Responsive and completely attentive, I met her every move.
We kissed more passionately and she started to pull me towards the bed. I could feel myself getting more turned on by her. She looked like s e x… Smelled like it… She was s e x, embodied.
She took off my shirt, bit my neck and moaned while she moved her body against mine like an ocean wave.
I matched her movements and asked “can I take your shirt off too?”
Instead of responding to my question, she stopped her sensually fluid movements, stood up tall, grabbed me by the shoulders, looked intensely into my eyes and said:
“I want you to take me!”
So I said…
“Okay what do you want me to do?”
As soon as my words hit her ears it was as if I had just punctured all four tires of her car at once, while in motion, and she awkwardly slowed to a standstill.
Her arousal faded…
I was confused, turned on, and…
She sat on the edge of the bed, almost motionless… so I sat down next to her and put my arm around her.
“Baby what’s wrong?” I asked. “What happened?”
“I don’t know, I just don’t feel so turned on anymore.” she said…
We sat there…
I rubbed her back in a nice, non-sexual way that I thought would be soothing, and I let the idea of sex go.
“If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m all ears.” I said.
She looked at me – her eyes dull from the recent loss of passion, and she said “let’s just cuddle tonight” in a seemingly dissapointed tone.
So we got into bed, turned off the bedside light, and cuddled until we fell asleep. Truthfully though, she fell asleep first and I laid there for a long while, feeling deflated and confused, like something was off, but unable to tell what that something was…
I felt like I had failed at something…
And I did.
What happend that night was subtle, but it was very real, and it had a massive impact.
When I remember that night…
And when I think of the things I could have done differently (things she wanted me to do and things I wanted to do but was afraid to), I feel a cringe-response.
AND I feel compassion for myself and for her too.
We didn’t know better.
I didn’t know better.
And this was a pattern in our relationship…
I was in a phase of my life where I had studied lots of Tantric, Taoist and other forms of spiritual sexuaIity. I had figured out how to make love without ejacuIating, and had become super sensitive to matching my girlfriend wherever she was. I put in a lot of effort to be unlike other guys who in my opinion were completely insensitive and just used and abused women.
I was a nice guy.
I was afraid to “overpower” her with my desire – in part because I had been influenced to believe that male desire was somehow dangerous or bad – AND because I simply didn’t know how to confidently be powerful with my desires…
So instead of risking it – instead of leading – I chose to be responsive.
I chose to be soft.
And it ruined our sexuaI chemistry.
She ended up leaving me for a man who never studied communication or invested in his sexuaI abilities. And in many ways, he embodied many characteristics of the kind of man I was trying NOT to be like.
Turns out, my earlier concepts of sexuaI mastery were very limited. I thought it was all about being able to last a long time. And while that’s a VERY useful skill to have, there is a LOT more to be learned.
I didn’t know about polarity, power dynamics, penetrating & receptive forces, healthy masculine power or sexuaI leadership.
All my girlfriend wanted on that cold winter night was for me to take her. She wanted to feel my power – she wanted to feel my desire fully penetrate her – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
She wanted me to ravish her.
And I didn’t know how.
In her attempts to get me to ravish her, she had to step more into the role of initiator/penetrator (often called masculine)… and this was not where her sexuaI essence naturally rested.
Our polarity died.
And polarity does die over time if it’s not cultivated with intention and awareness.
Don’t let your polarity die!
*(This is part 1 of my story, and this is one of the events that ultimately inspired the creation of my new online course for couples. I’ll upload part 2 this weekend.
If you feel this…
Stay tuned for the next article. I’ll link to it here as soon as it’s ready.
Your relationship is worth it.